THE MISADVENTURES OF JETHRO P. SUGGINS, SSGT, USAF


Episode 4 (Wherein our hero and his wife improve their attitude as well as their altitude)

June of 1973 found Suggins, his wife Jean and their daughter Suzy, at the 62nd Field Maintenance Squadron (FMS) picnic. Lunchtime Saturday was sunny and bright at the base park. The Pacific Northwest provided huge evergreen trees that dotted the landscape with spots of shade for the children, while men and women visited and played. The squadron had passed the latest Operational Readiness Inspection (ORI) and it was cause to celebrate. J.P. thought it was always kind of strange how FMS would work so hard to clean and prepare for an inspection and then, when it was over, throw a party, get drunk and make a mess of what they just had fixed.

Suggins and his family always left early, because of this, before things got sloppy.
"J.P.!" yelled Coleman. "You and I haven't been on an engine run together in a couple months. Still think we should have taken off in that last one while we had the chance to fly? Speaking of flying, did you hear what SMSgt Mower is about to announce before the outfit today? The squadron commander has made Mower the one to draw out of the hat and pick the name of the winner of the FMS prize!"

"What FMS prize?" J.P. said, while running to get toddler Suzy from eating a piece of hot dog that had dropped in the dirt.

"Ooh a prize!" Jean cooed, never short on enthusiasm for anything free and spontaneous. She didn't care much what the prize was, just as long as she had a chance to win it. Suggins didn't tell Jean that there were over 800 men in the squadron and their chances of winning were slim at best.

"You don't know about the chance of a lifetime!" Coleman bellowed, as if he were privy to classified information that was about to be made public. "Well, wait no longer to find out J.P. There's Sgt Mower approaching the stand now!"

"Listen everyone, please!" SMSgt Mower spoke in his most consoling voice. The sound was foreign, J.P. hardly recognized it. Funny how leaders knew when to put their military bark away when circumstance called for it. Mower was a nice guy, fair yet firm. He stood tall and handsome in his civilian clothes. Here was a man who knew how to look sharp, neat, authoritative, whether in uniform or not.

"Every year we try to come up with a squadron prize that will be worthy of our troops." Mower went on. "Something that will lift and inspire. This year, it will definitely lift & we will shy away from standard gifts like a free meal for two at your favorite restaurant or a trip for two to Canada. This year, with the permission of the commander, we've decided to do something daring."

"This year the winner and his wife or girlfriend, will enjoy the chance to parachute from a small aircraft at an altitude of over 5,000 feet! They will be safely instructed on the procedure and then dropped over the open countryside, east of here!"

At this announcement, the crowd oohed and ahhed and Suggins wondered if they had all lost their minds. "What in blazes are they thinking of? A guy could get killed! Is he supposed to bring his wife along to die with him? Who thought of this dumb idea?"

"I think it would be fun!" Jean said, quick to lend her support. "I've always wanted to do something like that! Besides, what could be safer? They give you an extra chute, in case the first one doesn't open. Imagine...falling thru the air, the wind against your face, completely free, what a thrill!"

The spice of danger is part of what made Jean enthusiastic about the possibility. Where J.P. was cautious, she was carefree. When he desired deliberation, she charged ahead. It was perhaps, in part, this very difference that made the relationship work. They respected one an other's judgement and would often concede, in turn. When neither would concede, sparks flew. Jean's was the stronger personality, however, so sparks flew rarely.

The magic spell Suggin's wife had over him was really something more. Something corny and romantic that pseudo macho guys like Jethro didn't like to talk about. It was something called love. He would get so incredibly mad at her for hours, but never more than a day. He just couldn't take opposing her on things that really didn't matter. It wasn't worth it. He cared for her too much.

Jean had a beauty mark just above the right side of her lip. She had a broad grin that could melt his heart. Her eyes were bright green, dancing, alert and wide with vitality. Standard equipment from the neck down was curled in all the right places. She was the only girl for him and he hated to disappoint her.

Someone brought a big cardboard box full of names to Mower. He stirred them up with his hand, reached down deep and drew out one, lonely slip of paper. Mower looked at the name and smiled. Suggins crossed his fingers, hoping no. Jean crossed hers, hoping yes. "And the lucky winner is...Sgt and Mrs. Jay Eseltine!" J.P. sighed relief. Jean pouted and then went over and congratulated Jay and his wife Kathy. Suggins said something about better you than me and soon had Jean and Suzy in tow, headed toward home, with another crisis averted.

After Church, the next day and Jean's delicious roast beef dinner, Suggins drifted off to sleep with his usual Sunday nap. His dreams danced with visions of airplanes that never broke, days off that never quit and perhaps, someday, a baby brother for Suzy. We could name him Scotty, he thought. Maybe he might even join the Air Force.

His thoughts were soon sharply stabbed by the sound of ringing off in the distance. "Hello," Jean said from the livingroom. "What? Yes. Oh, yes! Oh, are you sure? Thanks, thanks ever so much! Have a safe trip. Okay. Bye!"

She wasted no time bursting into the bedroom to J.P. "Darling, darling, something wonderful has happened!" Suggins was suspicious immediately, for her inflection was the same as when she went to the store and bought $500.00 extra in furniture that she hadn't told him about and then explained how she saved them so much money because it was on sale. "Jay Eseltine was just on the phone and explained how he and his wife must go home on emergency leave because of a death in the family. Out of all the members in the whole squadron, he has chosen US to give his parachuting tickets to!"

"What!" J.P. was abruptly very awake. "Well, you can just call him back and say we don't want them!"

"Oh, I can't honey! He called from the airport. Their flight is just leaving. We'll have to take the free tickets so they don't go to waste. He put them in your mailbox on base."

"Yeah, well you can just go pick them up and burn them or at best give them to someone else! I want no part of them! I get dizzy standing on a one step ladder!"

"Gee, that's a shame," Jean said, pushing up her lip and acting hurt. "Since you don't want to go, guess that means I'll have to find some other man to come up there with me!"

"What!"

"That's right. Jay told me that if you didn't want to go along that there were plenty of young, brave, single men in the squadron to keep me company up there."

"Jay, said that! I'll break his neck! I'll jack him up so high, he'll get nose bleeds! Besides, you are NOT going if I'm not!"

Jean was sweet, kind, thoughtful, caring, tender and loving, except when she was roughly told she was NOT allowed to do something. Then it was like Barbra Striesand's song, "Don't Rain on My Parade." Something snapped. She assumed the demeanor of a tigress guarding her cubs and heaven help the man that got in her way. She let J.P. have both barrels in the gut. They argued and counterargued, but in the end, Jethro was no match for her wits. She had the ability to see the solution to a problem at once and talk her way out of the proverbial paper bag, clearly, without stammering or stuttering. She was not always right, but she sure had a way of often convincing Suggins that she was.

Three weeks later, on the appointed day and time, guess where we find our hero? Very good guess. At over 5,000 feet in a small airplane with Jean and a pilot. The day was clear and warm, ideal for dying, parachuting or would be skydivers. The aircraft was in a circular course that surrounded wide grassy fields and a huge harbor at one end. Suggins and Jean were given a safety briefing by the pilot. Among the things he told them was to pull the emergency chute, should the first not open, but that it was seldom required. Also he mentioned an emergency knife, to cut their parachute straps, should a gust of wind blow them into the top of a tree. They were told that they flew adjacent to water should some sort of unforseen circumstance require it. Lastly, he told them not to panic, they would only be in the air a short time and to enjoy the ride.

The pilot wanted to know if there were any questions. There were none. Jean was more excited than Suggins had ever seen her; like a five year old with new puppies. A truck was waiting to pick them up when they got to the ground. J.P. was green, nauseous and scared so badly that he was glad he had not eaten all day and had used the restroom just before takeoff. The hair on his head would have all fallen out from fright, but he was mostly bald already. He thought he might be having a heart attack, it was pounding so hard. The noise from his heart and the aircraft combined was deafening.

At the appointed time, Jean grasped the outer edge of the open door, gave a mighty lunge and was out. Jethro watched the mother of Suzy fly gracefully for a few hundred feet and then blossom into a multi-colored red, white and blue parachute, like a caterpillar transforming into a large and lovely butterfly. The chute was steerable and she moved the risers this way and that, experimenting with direction control. Suggins thought he heard her yell a loud "Ya WHO!" of exhilaration on the way down. He watched till she safely touched the earth and then, with dread, realized is was his turn.

J.P. had toyed with the idea of forgetting the whole thing now that Jean was out. She had her jump and he wanted no part of his, but he decided to go thru with it for two reasons. One, not to, would break Jean's heart and two, he was feeling so terrible anyway, he didn't think it could get any worse. He was wrong. It will be over in a couple minutes, he thought. Also wrong.

Instructions were to push off hard from the plane and then, when well away, tug on the chord to open the chute. Unfortunately J.P. was too weak to push off hard and had not the presence of mind to wait to open his chute. He wanted to get this over with quickly. It was this combination of misjudgments that made Suggins's ride a bit longer than normal.

Jethro closed his eyes, bit his lip and did not jump out, but rather, fell out. As soon as he felt himself free of the door, he pulled his chord, just to assure that it had plenty of time to open. A big mistake.

Because he was so close to the aircraft when the chute released, it did not open, but instead caught on the fixed landing gear of the small plane. As J.P. fell, his eyes still closed, he felt a sudden tug, the feeling of the chute opening, he imagined. It will pull me up for awhile, but then it will begin to descend. He waited and waited. Still pulling me up, in fact, I feel horizontal, that's odd, he thought. Do I dare take a peek and open my eyes to see what's going on, he pondered. Maybe just one eye. As he glanced around, it was then that he noticed that he qualified as an airplane streamer. If he would have been bigger, he could have had, "Shop a Joe's Bar & Grill" or "Happy Birthday Aunt Helen," stenciled along his length. He thought of the words of the pilot, "don't panic, you'll only be in the air for a short time and enjoy the ride." At this point he realized the gravity of his situation and unleashed a blood curdling yell that surely must have been heard back at the base.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The pickup truck was already to Jean's location and the driver and Jean watched in horror, with the help of binoculars, as Suggins played his version of follow the leader. They were helpless to offer any assistance and Jean feared she would watch her husband go to his death. "Oh, I never should have made him do this! How can he possibly escape alive?"she said out loud.

J.P. should have been so terrified that he passed out. He certainly was weak enough, but the turbulence was too strong to allow that. He knew he could not think clearly if all he did was panic. No one on earth can help me now, he reasoned. "I've got myself into this mess, Oh, God, will you please get me out of it?" he prayed. All he could hear was the terrible roar of the wind turbulence and the plane motor struggling to pull him along. The aircraft will eventually run out of fuel and he will have to land or crash and that will mean certain death. The small plane was barely keeping aloft now with the drag created by towing Jethro through the air. "Heavenly Father, isn't there anything I can do?"

It was then that he remembered the emergency knife. If I can cut through the straps and get free of the aircraft, then I can pull my reserve chute. It was his only hope. He again uttered a prayer for help and began to hack away at the straps. Work was difficult because of his weakened state and the stiff turbulence. He had trouble hanging on to the knife as the air whipped him around and around.

There were four straps. J.P. cut thru the first, the second and halfway thru the third and then a gust of wind tore the knife from his hands and it fell to the earth. Meanwhile he flapped along still connected by a strap and a half. Groan, what am I to do now, he thought...wait to die? Perhaps, just perhaps, if I pulled my reserve chute now, the sudden jerk would pull on the remaining strap and a half and break them and then I could get free. He had few other options.

Mustering what courage he had left, he pulled the reserve chute. It worked as advertised, however, the remaining straps held. The little aircraft engine could not support the strain of flying with a drag chute and it immediately shutdown. Soon the group headed downward, the pilot, the airplane, Suggins and the chute. What if the strap and a half breaks now, he worried. They were descending over the ground but J.P. was able to use the chute's risers to steer his group over to the side of the harbor, where he figured, he had a much better chance of surviving. This is really dumb, he thought, I can't even swim, but then again, I don't bounce very well either.

Down, down, down they plunged, at a somewhat faster rate than normal. That the reserve chute was even able to carry such an ungainly load was surprising, but on it went anyway, until, with a mighty splash, in went the plane and pilot, followed by our hero. Several passenger boats were in the harbor and watched the plane and company go in. Jean and the driver were at the scene in a passenger boat. The pilot and Suggins were able to hang on to aircraft wreckage, long enough to be pulled into the boat to safety. The pilot was badly bruised and shaken up, but Jethro was just exhausted. J.P. had not the strength to utter a word, but instead passed out on the floor of the boat.

Hours later, he woke up in a hospital bed, staring at the tear stained face of Jean. "Oh, J.P., I'm so sorry!" she moaned. "I almost killed you! Thank God. He kept you alive!"

"Just wait till I get my hands on Jay Eseltine!" Suggins rasped. "I'll tear him apart! I'll make him wish he never heard of any FMS prize! J.P. went on like that for several minutes.

Oh, good, Jean thought, I can see he's getting better already.